i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
