Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
