I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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