He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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