totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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