There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
