Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I would fuck him just for his dog
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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