she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
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