I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
