I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
