But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
