I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
