Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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