i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
