He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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