she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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