I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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