Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
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Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
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It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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