I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
