I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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