She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
