At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
