I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
