if you like me you must not know who I am
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
