when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
