if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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