I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
