My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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