You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
