So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
