Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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