the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
she peed on how many people?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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