So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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