I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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