I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
