beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just had sex on a roof
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
