i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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