He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
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Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
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i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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