I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
