i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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