just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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