my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
