He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My feet surprised me
Randomize
