I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
