he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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