Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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