So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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