I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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