I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
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He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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