You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
