dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
