he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
