if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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