I'm eating all of the evidence.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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