He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
