At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
