he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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