he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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