He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
